Confession Time

I tried posting this before, but I didn't get up the courage to actually publish the post. Maybe this one will be even better. Here it is...becoming a stay-at-home mom has not been the easiest transition for me. There! I said it. I know that I asked for this. I know it is the best thing for my child and my family as a whole. It has just taken me some time to warm up the actuality of the idea. Oh, the idea itself is beautiful and looking at it from a distance it seemed so warm and fuzzy, but the day to day living so many hours alone with an active toddler is challenging. J.J. and I spent a long time debating about how our working lives needed to change once we brought Xavier home. We weighed the pros and cons of all the options and then pretty much threw out those numbers and prayed. In the end we knew I was going to stay home and be his full time caregiver. It was just what our family was suppose to become. Now I wanted to stay home and nobody forced me. J.J. never demanded this responsibility of me and I never felt pressured. He has been 100% supportive and always made sure I knew that if I just couldn't give up teaching we would find another way. At the same time I knew staying home was the right decision. Reality is that right doesn't usually equal easy. I loved teaching. I wanted to teach since I was in grade school. It is a challenging and rewarding profession. I never really wanted to do anything else, except be a mom. It took us awhile to reach this point of parenthood and I always espoused that I would stay home when our long awaited child finally arrived, so here I am. Please notice that most of these verbs have been past tense. Things are changing for me and God is helping me adjust to this new stage of life. I haven't said anything because, truthfully, when you work as hard at getting a child as J.J. and I have you feel guilty if you even hint at complaining about something. Like, "Who is she to complain? Didn't she want this so much? What did she think this was going to be a walk in the park? Shouldn't she be happy all the time?" and other things I ridiculously assume other people must be thinking if I dare voice any unhappiness at the present circumstances. So I have been working through things with God's help and J.J.'s help and Xavier's help and a few people who I know will love me regardless. Some of them are family and they have no choice. =) Today I can honestly say I enjoy staying home. Do I love it? That might be stretching it, but I have come to appreciate it more and more. During VBS we hired a babysitter for those 3 hours each morning so I could focus on the task at hand. Each day she would bring Xavier over to the church as parents were coming to pick kids up. He would seem happy to see me, but in his usual happy, g0-lucky way he would hurry to play in the nursery with all the other kids waiting on rides. The last day though he wanted to be picked up right away and he put both of his little hands on either side of my face as if to say, "Is it really you, Momma?". I have often been annoyed by those people spouting about "ah-ha" moments as if you couldn't just learn something slowly over time, it has to just hit you in the face, but I knew at that moment that I not only needed to stay home with my son, I wanted to stay home with my son. So J.J. is back in the classroom and all the kids are back in their desks while Xavier and I make sound effects while throwing clothes in the dryer, jump all over the guest bed, sit on the potty at random times throughout the day, go for walks to air up low stroller tires and do so many other things together that I would miss while working. We are still figuring out ours routines or lack thereof and I do not profess to be very proficient at my new job, but it is a job I am now happy to have.