Wednesday, March 16, 2011

A Loss for Words

I don't know if I can accurately say how I feel. All through this process there have been some things that caused me more concern than others. High on the list of things that concern me was how to handle our child's interactions with family and friends once he came home. JJ and I have done and continue to do our education. We are learning, even though it is super tough to think about at times, how our little guy will need extra support and attention when he comes home. Visiting him for that day in the baby home did nothing to alleviate my fears that we will have a bunch of work ahead of us when it comes to attachment and bonding. These things are hard for me to explain to my family and friends though. How do I say, "I really don't want more than three people at a time in the house during the first two weeks" without sounding ungrateful for all the support these people have provided us? How do I explain, "We really don't want him to be held by too many people" when those people already love and care about him? I know in my head the perfectly logic reasons for some the choices that are ahead of us, but I don't know how to express them to others. I would love to make everyone happy, but not only is that impossible, it is unreasonable and it is not in the best interest of our child. Ugh! This is everything I have, if I am truly honest, worried about from the beginning. Our child is not a newborn that we are bringing home from the hospital. He has not had an intact family his whole life. He might not even know what "family" means. We need to be his sole caretakers, the ones to meet his needs, so he can come to understand that we are capable of being trusted. He needs to see us, his parents, as safe and important people. Maybe I am overreacting. Maybe I'm already being too protective and he is not even home yet. JJ and I joke about the Golden Child, but the reality is that our child is different and our parenting will have to be different and I am at a loss as to the best way to explain those things. I guess writing this might help. Or it might hurt. I'm not even sure if this is the right way to express myself, but I feel I need to put the words down somehow.


  1. I understand where you are coming from Denise. I know about the bonding part too. I'm thankful Jackson is so well bonded with me, but he still struggles with bonding with other family members. I know that with some people in my family it makes them sad he doesn't have much of a bond with them, but there are a lot more in our family that understand that the bonding with them will take awhile.

    I know you worry about that and if your family is as understanding as I think they might be then they will understand. Maybe ahead of time sit down with some with information about it and help them better understand where you are coming from.

  2. You just did! I am so proud of how you have handled this whole process! just be honest with us and we will give you the respect you deserve. And if people can't understand then give them time. Anyone that loves you as much as we do, will be more then willing to do as you want.

  3. Denise
    I think what you are thinking about is perfectly normal for your situation. You have to put your little guy first and your family first. Set boundaries, set "visiting hours" that way you arent overwhelmed with too many people at too many time. With you having such a loving family and community surrounding you, I would def set a schedule that way you and JJ can have special bonding time, for however long you deem necessary. WE love you guys and we are so very excited for both of you